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Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Trials

So this is not normal for me to just write thoughts and not have any pictures but today I felt like I really needed to just write. I have been thinking a lot about trials lately considering this seems to be my life for the last 10 years or more. I feel like as I look back there hasn't been a month where there wasn't some type of trial. We get over one and then a few days latter another one comes into our lives. Sometimes because we have caused it and other timed there is nothing that we have done it just comes. My sister said to me in June that Heavenly Father is making you a saint and I told her I am done being made a saint. I just want to have a month of blessings and not have to feel like I am always trying to keep it together and find strength to get through the trials. Maybe I am just not humble enough to see those blessings that are there and that is why I am constantly being tried. This last trial I am having has really thrown me for a loop. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan but I really don't understand this one right now. I feel like I try so hard to live righteously and to teach my children the gospel that I should be able to have just 1 desire granted on my time table and it wasn't even an unrighteous desire. I just wanted to have a baby planned. Now I don't know what is going to happen or if we are even suppose to have another baby. I know this will take time to grieve through this miscarriage and then figure out what we are suppose to do with the Lord. I often have tried to look around at others and see that they too are going through trials and to realize that it is hard for them too. This time though I feel so drained and lost. I just keep praying that I will feel the comfort I need to through this. I often wonder did I really agree to all of this in the premortal existence because I must have been pretty stupid to have thought I could handle all of this. Well enough of the whoa is me. I need to look to the 3 beautiful children He has given me and enjoy them for now.

3 comments:

J. Belmont Hosford said...

We, your family, love you and feel for your loss. Your children love you too. Be the best mother you can be to them. Love them with all your heart. We are here for you always.

Kevin said...

It is SO SO hard to accept the Lord's will when it is the exact opposite of your will. You are an amazing strong woman! We will be blessed!

Dore'

Heather said...

Nikki~ I had no idea (really bad on my part cause I kept having to prompting to call you). I am so sorry. If every there is anything I can do, please let me know. I can't say that I know what you are facing, cause I don't, But I can be a friend, or a sholder to cry on. I will pray for you and your family.